With International Men’s Day approaching, I find myself drawn to a question that’s lingered in my mind for some time: What kind of man are you?
I champion the benefits of physical activity and sport for mental health both within my role with Active Humber and away from work. I have been a part of several sport teams since I was seven so consider myself very lucky, as a result I have a real passion for sharing that experience with as many people as I possibly can and using my role within Active Humber I want to be able to help groups, organisations and individuals to lift any barriers.
The question first came up in a situation that caught me off guard. Someone asked me, ‘What kind of man are you?’ and I felt instantly uncomfortable. My instinct was to react defensively, but I didn’t. I took it on the chin and carried on with my day. Yet that question stuck. It’s shaped decisions I’ve made since. With International Men’s Day as a kind of fork in the road, I’ve decided to stop dwelling and start confronting it.
Externally, I’m a mid-30s white male living a comfortable life. I’ve just moved into a bigger house in a nicer area with my wife, child, and dog. I haven’t missed a bill in years. We live active lives, have well-paid jobs, and work in industries we care about. It sounds like a brag blog, which makes me squirm, but it’s important context.
I’m not loud or flashy. I struggle to tell people what I’m good at, but internally I’m confident and assured in my own processes. In the 1980s, this might have been enough to be considered the blueprint of a successful man.
But let’s break that illusion.
I’ve lost the battle a couple of times. I’ve had help with depression and anxiety, and I am constantly aware of my mental health. The expectations of what it meant to ‘be a man’ while I was growing up played their part.
Growing up, I had expectations, some serious, some lighter hearted. For instance, I always thought I’d grow to enjoy coffee. I haven’t. I’m a tea, milk, one sugar man (Yorkshire Tea, if you’ve got it). That’s a metaphor, really, expectations can be wildly off.
I knew I’d be skint in my 20s and embraced it. I figured by 30 I’d be financially stable, probably 2 children, with savings and no worries about bills. But I was still paying off my overdraft each month.
At 26 I became a parent, I thought I was ready (in hindsight, I’m not sure anyone is ever truly ready). Nine years on and my child is turning into someone I am immensely proud of, but creating opportunity comes at a cost. Parenting today is expensive: financially, emotionally, physically. It’s hard. We’ve chosen to stop at one child, which again defies the expectations of younger me.
So, what does all this mean for me?
I fail. Every single day. There’s always something more I could’ve done. I wonder how to escape it, but the truth is, you often can’t.
I’ve trimmed back my social media use, removing things that drained my mental health, that helps. But the world is bigger than social media, and the toll of daily failure is real. I’ve been in dark places mentally; places I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It is tough when you cannot see the next steps.
In summer, I play cricket. Once I’m in those silly whites, throwing a ball at someone, I can escape for a while. The pressure lifts and the problems dissolve. I relax. I’ve also started having kickabouts with like-minded men, where we talk about everything but the pressures and stresses. That space helps.
What Now?
How do we take the pressure off? How do we make a change?
I don’t have the answer, no one does. Each person can only speak from their own experience, but I believe resilience is the most important skill we can have. To see an endless pattern of failure and still get up the next day and try again, that’s the test. And probably why I love cricket. The failures will come. Big ones. Small ones. But you keep going. I use physical activity and sport as a place where I feel safe and when I do inevitably fail, we laugh.
At a time when UK physical activity levels are at an all-time low, it is little surprise that we are also in a national mental health crisis with conditions such as anxiety and depression at an all-time high. Scarily nearly half of 16–74-year-olds are reported to be receiving some form of treatment for mental health conditions, (according to the Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey: Survey of Mental Health and Wellbeing, England, 2023/24). But the silver lining, physical activity can make a huge contribution in helping address this.
Across the Humber, we have some amazing support organisations. Over the last few months, I’ve met with a range of them. Reflecting on my own mental health has helped me see these organisations in a new light.
• Your Wellbeing in Scunthorpe: using physical activity to promote wellbeing across the BAME community
• Centre 4 in Grimsby: supporting a wide range of services for families
• Welcome House in Hull: helping refugees and asylum seekers find satisfaction in their new lives
• Fishing for Wellbeing in East Riding: supporting young people with mental health during key developmental years
Active Humber are also partnering with local sports clubs as part of HNY United, a collective of professional and grassroots sports clubs taking positive action to improve mental health, suicide prevention, and self-harm awareness for players, staff and supporters. It is an exciting project aiming to break down the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage more people to seek help.
Nationally, there are fantastic organisations like Andy’s Man Club, CALM, and MANUP offering support across the UK.
And sometimes, support doesn’t need to be formal. Whatever age, get your football out, gather your mates, go for a run or hop on your bike. Do whatever helps escape the stresses of the modern world.
To return to the original question: I am resilient. I get up and do my best every single day. And with that, failure loses its sting.
I also care deeply about kindness. I haven’t mentioned it until now, but it’s central to who I am. Why wouldn’t you be kind? I help where I can, with what I can. But I also know there’s a limit to what you can give when you feel like you’re failing.
For me, it’s hard not to ask how someone is before any conversation. Some will open up. Others will hesitate. Some you’ll never be able to read. But just asking is a big first step. My only call to action: ASK and LISTEN.
This piece will stir different emotions for each reader. And while I know the word failure is a powerful one, it’s the reality of how my brain processes each day. I don’t celebrate victories as much as I know I should, so I don’t consider myself any authority on how people should live their lives.
But please, this International Men’s Day, give yourself time to reflect. Identify your successes. Celebrate them, look around at what you’ve achieved and be proud. Getting up tomorrow becomes a little less of a fight on the tough days. And the good days? They’ll feel truly special.
I would love to hear from groups, organisations and individuals who want to create something for their local community, providing physical activity and sports opportunities that help improve mental health locally so please reach out.
David Butt
Development Manager; Community and Inequalities at Active Humber
David Butt
Development Manager; Community and Inequalities at Active Humber
